Selective Midwestern College

So welcome to SMC, Selective Midwestern College.  I’m your student ambassador.  I want to welcome you again.  I will talk and walk backwards, even over curbs.  So who are you and what are your interests?  Good.  Any questions yet?  So, first, is the residence hall.  This dormitory is substance free, the other ones are substance.  OK.  This is an actual room, here.  It smells like 50 years of Boy, because of our long history.

Then here are the mailboxes, which you can keep the same one, for all four years, which is awesome.  And the laundry is free, which it didn’t used to be.  So, yeah.  Plus we have many clubs and organizations and if you can’t find one you like you can make one and the school will totally support you.

The social life is like, there are goths and greeks and jocks and freaks and no cliques not really.  Plus, we invite all genders, or even no genders because we welcome all of everyone.  So that’s great.  So we welcome everyone.

Study abroad is important.  All the professors have open-door policies, which means that if their door is open you can just walk in.  And our academics is rated 12^th by Magazine, plus we are in the book Change Lives.  We change lives.  So our class ratio is less than 1 to 1, because of statistics.

Some of our alumni have done great things, like make NGOs and working in Washington.  So, ok.  As far as careers we have a Career Center, where we have a thing called Starving Artist but Without the Starving.  I love that.  Here is my card.  Some people don’t leave Selective Midwest College because they like it so much, so they work here.

Plus this building uses zero energy, because of its efficiency.  Look at the windows.  And we keep the shrubbery cut low so nobody can jump out at night.  So that’s good.  Here’s a giant bronze statue of our mascot, the rodent.  So rub his teeth for good luck.  Everyone?  Good.  And here is Lincoln’s chair, where he sat.  So sit in that and take a picture.  So, yeah.  Any questions?

And here is the cafeteria where we eat, and we use local food because of sustainability.  Our school is famous for the inside-out brownie, which has the inside on the outside.  So let’s eat and if you have any questions you can ask them.

We have a tradition where there’s one day when we all shake hands with each other, and then there’s a tradition called Flunk Day, where wake up and they tell you it’s flunk day and nobody goes to classes, and then there’s the college bar where if you’re 21 you can drink and the professors mix your drinks and even the president sometimes.  We have a tradition where when if there’s so much snow the president can’t walk from here to over there then classes are cancelled.

And Chicago, New York, and Des Moines are all really close.  So you don’t feel isolated, out here in a cornfield with no car, because of shuttles.

So to enroll, there’s Early Decision, and Well I Guess So, and Probably Not, and Oh No.  And we look at the whole person, not the test scores.  Because you can’t just judge someone based on three hours one random morning taking a test somewhere, unless the score is really good.  So ok.